Why I stopped telling people what to do
Hi ,
When I first started leading projects and innovations, back in 2005 (I’m getting old, and I’m okay with that), I thought my job was to give direction, to tell people what to do next.
It felt natural, even helpful. They even asked for it.
But I’ve learned that just because people ask for something doesn’t always mean it’s what they need.
Over time, I noticed something strange.
The more I explained, the less ownership my team took.
The more I answered, the fewer questions they asked.
It wasn’t because they were unwilling.
It was because I was filling the space that should have been theirs.
This week I’m in Varde, Denmark, working with school leaders, pedagogues, and teachers who are in the middle of a 3-year journey with my company to strengthen their learning culture.
We’re exploring what it means to ensure quality, not through rules or checklists, but by aligning our actions with shared principles.
During the preparation for this week, I was reminded again how difficult leadership really is.
How much I’ve struggled with it in the past, and still do, especially when I get too excited.
It’s a topic I’ll definitely bring up with the management team, along with how I try not to fall back into that same pitfall.
For years now, I’ve tried to hold on to one simple habit:
Before I address a group, a team, or a person, I pause and ask myself:
“What’s my role right now?”
And when the conversation isn’t mine to start, when someone else has taken the initiative, I even check with them:
“Is this the role you want me to take?”
Because being a leader means wearing many roles, and it’s easy to mix them up.
Simon Sinek’s Golden Circle helped me understand why this matters.
As leaders, our job is to bring clarity to the Why, and sometimes a bit of guidance on the How.
But the What — the daily practice — belongs to the professionals.
They are the ones closest to the students, to yesterday’s stories and tomorrow’s needs.
What I’ve learned is that when I get carried away and start talking about What they need or should do, I’m actually trying to control it, or at least giving others the subconscious feeling that I am.
And when we do that, we take away the very thing that keeps people motivated: the freedom to act based on their level of autonomy, relatedness, and competence, instead of mine.
And as we all know, leadership isn’t about control.
It’s about creating trust, and that trust is built in the moments when we step back and let others act.
That doesn’t mean we disappear.
It means we design the right circumstances, spaces where reflection happens, where people talk openly about what worked, what didn’t, and how to improve.
If you observe enough, you’ll notice when something isn’t working.
And then your role isn’t to prescribe the What, but to help the team reflect on how their How can translate better into What they do.
Only when someone looks you in the eye and says, “What would you do?” should you even consider sharing your own What.
And even then, do it lightly, because chances are, they know their context far better than you ever could.
I’ve learned this the hard way.
I know less about individual learners than their teachers do.
Less about the previous lesson, or the group dynamics that shift every hour.
So I’ve stopped pretending I can give better answers.
Instead, I try to give better space.
Space for professionals to make meaning of their work, guided by a shared Why and supported in their How.
Because that’s when leadership truly serves learning.
Not by pulling, not by proving, but by trusting others to own the What.
Try this for yourself:
→ Before your next meeting or classroom visit, pause and ask: What’s my role right now?
→ If the answer is Head of Quality — the part of you that guards the bigger picture — mention the Why (because that’s what unites you) and focus on the How.
→ If the answer is Facilitator of Learners — the part of you that supports your co-workers to grow — help others reflect on their What instead of giving yours. Bring them in the position to observe and learn from peers, or bring peers in the position to observe and give feedback.
Keep up the good work,
Rob
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